Jesana is a member of the Pivotal Paradigm Project. She aspires to aid the growing movement to change the perception of Black Women in society. 

Maya Angelou once said, “If I am not good to myself, how can I expect anyone to be good to me?”

The summer before I turned 21, I had not seriously considered the relationships I had with myself. In the context of others, my identity and position in their lives was solid: a good daughter who doesn’t disappoint, a trustworthy friend, an amazing employee (if I say so myself lol) - but even then I knew I wasn’t being my own best friend. 

Since high school, I’ve had the desire to create an impact on this world and carried the belief that if I made significant small differences in my community, they would eventually add up to a larger impact. I mean, my parents said I could do whatever I put my mind to. 

This mindset would lead me to attend a predominantly white institution through a program set up to diversify the school. While there I would be an overactive student - taking the maximum number of credits possible, becoming a leading member of 3+ clubs, a resident assistant, a campus employee, an intern, and anything else you can possibly imagine.

I did this for 3 years straight. 

You know that meme of the Persian cat sitting on a box with its hands spread as if it were asking why - I relate to that so much. It is a realistic image of me asking myself ‘why are you doing this’. 

Don’t get me wrong, I know that I achieved some amazing things - independently planning a campus event that cost what I hope to make in salary one day, traveling the world, and getting a decent sense of what I want to do going forward for the time being. 

On the outside, it looked as if I had it all, great grades, significant accomplishments, a beautiful resume *chefs kiss.

What most people didn’t know is that I sometimes regretted going to that institution because I often felt like an outsider who was only being tolerated. I was not taking care of myself, my mental health was suffering, and because I was unhappy, my relationship with some of my peers suffered - and I’m sorry to them and more importantly myself. 

During those three years, I put up with treatment that I shouldn’t have and focused on ‘playing the game’ instead of finding what brought me joy. 

Staying in a situation that made me miserable was not good for me and I knew it, I just ignored it because of how good it looked on my resume. 

I don’t know if it’s just me, or if this is something other Black women do as well - put themselves through things they know make them unhappy, but endure it because it’s for the greater good?

Why don’t we put ourselves and our happiness before others? 

My mother is always telling me “you don’t have to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders”. It only took me 20 years but I’ve finally unloaded my self-imposed burdens. There is nothing wrong with having ambition and wishing to be successful. An issue arises though when you are willing to sacrifice your own well-being to be successful and reach those goals. 

What does it mean to be successful if you are not able to bask in it and enjoy what you have accomplished? Why can’t we live in the moment and not think about what’s next?

As a Black woman, the last thing I should’ve been doing is making life more difficult for myself - being a Black in this world does enough. Upon turning 21, I decided to take the advice I give to others - sleep more, care what others think less, only commit to things you can fully commit to, find people who bring you joy, and do what brings you peace.

How liberating it is to be unapologetically yourself and to not be committed to things your heart is no longer with?

Putting yourself first is not selfish, you cannot give to others from what you do not have. Being good to yourself - ensuring you get enough rest, spending quality downtime independently and with loved ones - only enriches the work you produce and strengthens your relationships. 

Is it easy? Absolutely not, but as a budding advocate who wishes to continue to make these small impacts, it’s necessary for me to feel fulfilled. I make daily promises to myself and strive to keep them - that’s how I’m good to myself these days. 

Parting Advice: Sleep is not for the weak, in fact, to make an improvement on the snickers commercial, “you’re not yourself when you’re tired/stressed…. Take a nap” lol.