Finding My Own Space
Written with love and care by Gabby
I was raised by a single mother and as the youngest of five. I quickly learned that everything was shared and everyone would grow up doing the same thing.
I grew up in a small three-bedroom apartment on the West Side of Buffalo, NY, the building was brown with sky blue accents with a small path leading up to a single stair entryway. I was raised by a single mother and as the youngest of five, I quickly learned that everything was shared and everyone would grow up doing the same thing. When it was time for me to start going to school, my mother decided she wanted something different for me. Instead of following the paths taken by my older siblings, my mother had me take the entrance test for a school that was seen as one of the best in the district. This was big because it was different, everyone in my family was typically enrolled in the neighborhood school and all went to school together. My mother felt like the school I tested into would challenge me more and allow me to expose me to people other than who I saw regularly. She was overjoyed when I received my acceptance letter but I had no idea what was in store for me.
In addition to being one of the best schools in my city district, the school was predominantly white. The school wasn’t a safe space for me. As a person of color, being half white, I never realized the differences between me and my peers.
As a child, this difference did not phase me but as I got older I realized I was not like them. I began dreading the seemingly innocent questions of “What did you do this summer?” and “What did you do this weekend” because my small family gathering and softball games paled in comparison to their international family trips and weekend road trips. I tried to fit in any way that I could: changing the way I dressed and lying to my peers to avoid the fear of judgment for being different from them.
Throughout middle school, I took greater notice of the differences between myself and my peers and became even more critical of my weight and the way that I looked. I tried my hardest to disappear into the crowd and take up as little space as possible. I became the quiet kid and barely spoke in class to avoid attention. This is when a lot of my anxieties began developing and I struggled to find my place. I was different from the friends I had, in the way I looked, where I came from, and my home life all things that were out of my control as a child. I experimented in different friend groups in an effort to find comfort in myself and to feel accepted.
I had to realize that changing myself to fit in would never work. I had to recognize that in doing so, I would not be a true version of myself. After doing so, I was able to find people who made me comfortable with who I truly was without feeling the need to change. They understood where I came from and certain struggles I came across growing up.
We had shared interests, music styles, and I began to feel like I did not have to hide behind anything to be me. They became my open ear, and people that I could laugh with, without fear.
Luckily for me, many of these friends joined me in high school where I was able to become more confident in myself. I joined a variety of clubs and sports teams that allowed me to explore interests that I would not have been able to if I had not let go of my childhood anxieties. Although I was happy with the things I was doing and the friends who liked me as I was, the desire to “fit in” still lingered with me. It was at this time that I began seeing a therapist and learning how to cope with my feelings and thoughts that held me back. I learned how to create a support system that helped me better handle my anxiety when I am going through difficult periods.
High school gave me a lot of confidence in who I was but, it was not until college that I truly felt more comfortable in my skin. I let go of the desire to fit in, I came out of the closet, and began wearing clothes that made me feel good about myself. I no longer felt the need to fit in. I stepped out of my comfort zone and joined my school's rugby team during my freshman year- a new challenge for me as I was a basketball player and I had never played the sport before. The women I met when I played rugby were inspiring, and strong. They took me right in, almost immediately I was involved in what became my family for the first two years of my experience there. I was never bored, and I always felt like I had a place even being so far away from home. Playing rugby and getting involved in a community that is ever-growing and inclusive gave me a lot of confidence because no matter my weight change, athletic ability, or skill level my teammates would not look at me differently or doubt what I was capable of. I was always scared of being different but when I was different I felt the most comfortable. When the pandemic hit the U.S hard and schools began closing I recently transferred from my first college and was still getting my feet wet in the new rugby and college community that I entered. This transition was difficult for me because I felt like once I started making friends and getting comfortable, it was taken away so quickly. Thankfully, I was able to keep in contact with the people I met there and build and maintain relationships through social media even though it has not been easy. I’ve leaned on my longtime friends, my girlfriend, through it all and I can never be more thankful for them.
College challenged me and my mental health is far from the support system I previously built but I am thankful for it. I have had to use other methods like therapy, and journaling to reflect and learn how to handle difficult situations by myself, but more importantly, I have learned how to reach out for support when I needed help.